Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick?’

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

Etapa a doua – « totul e bullshit.» E ca si cand te trezesti din betie. La etapa asta realizezi ca afara-i vopsit gardu’, inauntru-i leopardul. Mancarea, care mai sus o adorai, acum n-are nici un gust, vinetele, oricat de mult te-ai chinui sa le prepari, n-au gust desi sunt umflate cu pompa, rosiile au gust de cauciuc, porumbul fiert e prea dulce, chiar scarbos de dulce, painea e elastica, soselele care erau largi mai sus, se ingusteaza pentru ca acum ai ochi sa observi si traficul infernal. Aerul nu mai e atat de pur ca tocmai ai supravietuit unor cinci zile consecutive de smog si te declari fericit ca n-ai probleme cardiace. Vecinii care zambeau sunt niste inculti cu care nu poti schimba doua cuvinte. Parcurile nu le mai vezi atat de verzi pentru ca-s pline de disperati de viata care fac jogging dimineata si seara, de parca n-au nici o alta grija cotidiana. Iar prietenii din tara te intreaba ce-i avut in cap cand ai emigrat. La ei sunt 28C la umbra cand la tine sunt 4C iar vantul te doboara…, Costel e in fiecare weekend la Sinaia iar Angela tocmai si-a luat bilet trei saptamani la Neptun… Statistic vorbind, citeam pe undeva ca 60% din emigranti in momentele acestei etape se intorc acasa.

Etapa a treia – « viata e frumoasa si aici! » Dupa dusurile reci primite la etapa de mai sus, te trezesti si incepi sa vezi lumea cu alti ochi. Se instaleaza o rutina placuta. E etapa in care te ancorezi la lumea inconjuratoare. Citesti cu asiduitate presa lor, urmaresti stirile, programele de divertisment. Esti la curent cu toate evenimentele culturale. Mergi destins la cinematograf. Pastrezi inca legatura cu cei lasati dincolo, dar remarcile lor nu te mai ranesc. Angela continua sa mearga an de an la Neptun pe o plaja plina de manelisti si de scoici in care-ti tai talpile. Costel viziteaza si el aceeasi Sinaie mereu…insa tu mergi si descoperi locuri noi in fiecare zi, azi, maine si poimaine si tot asa. Ti-ai luat bilete sa serbezi Anul Nou pe plaja la Punta Cana…De fapt vecinii sunt foarte sociabili, la un BBQ se leaga atatea prietenii.Totul e sa vrei! Este etapa care de fapt iti aduce cele mai multe impliniri, daca ai fost destul de stoic sa rezisti pana aici.

Etapa patru – « aici e casa mea! » Asta e etapa implinirii depline pe meleagurile altadata straine si atat de ostile. Acum totul iti este familiar. Cunosti orasul ca pe propriul buzunar, adopti stilul de viata actual, dar ce-i mai important, nu mai faci comparatii. Nu mai ai regrete. Privesti spre viitor cu lumina si pace-n suflet.
De-acum esti de-al casei!

TAURUS – The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight. Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!

GEMINI – The Twin
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very Good at confusing people… Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Geminis will not take any crap from anyone. Geminis like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Geminis can be very sarcastic and childish at times and are very nosey. Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

CANCER – The Beauty
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer’s Love is one of a kind.. Very romantic.. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative Person, most are artists and insane, respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most Cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare. Spontaneous. Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to!

LEO – The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo’s problem becomes everyone’s problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun.. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.

VIRGO – The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word.. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances.. Needs to have the last say in everything.. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. They do not forgive and never forget. The one and only.

LIBRA – The Lame One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, funny and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with…you might end up crying. Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. Faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Very creative. A hopeless romantic.

SCORPIO – The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want.. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring..

SAGITTARIUS – The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found.. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones with all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.

CAPRICORN – The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud, understanding and sweet.
Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini’s in sports. Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

AQUARIUS – Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in long-term relationships. Can be clumsy at times but tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do.. Messy and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when they’re not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter but will Knock your lights out..

PISCES – The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Likes to be the center of attention. Very organized. High appeal to opposite sex. Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes gets the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humor!!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.

Obiectivul pedagogic al cursului de formare este de a le permite barbatilor sa-si dezvolte acea parte a creierului a carei existenta o ignorau.

Program: 4 module dintre care unul obligatoriu:

Modulul 1: (curs obligatoriu)

1. Sa invat sa traiesc fara mama mea (2000 ore)
2. Sotia mea nu este mama mea (350 ore)
3. Sa inteleg ca fotbalul nu este altceva decat un sport

Modulul 2: Viata in doi

1. Sa am copii fara sa devin gelos (pe ei) (50 ore)
2. Sa nu mai zic prostii atunci cand nevasta isi primeste prietenele (500 ore)
3. Sa depasesc sindromul controlului telecomenzii (550 ore)
4. Sa inteleg ca pantalonii nu se duc nici o data singuri pana la dulap (800 ore)
5. Cum sa ajung pana la cosul cu rufe murdare fara sa ma ratacesc (500 ore)
6.. Cum sa supravietuiesc unei raceli fara sa agonizez

Modulul 3: Timpul liber

1. Sa calc in doua etape o camasa in mai putin de doua ore (exercitiu practic)

Modulul 4 : Curs de bucatarie

1. nivelul 1 (incepatori) : Electrocasnicele : ON deschis ; OFF inchis
2. nivelul 2 (avansati): prima mea supa instant fara sa ard cratita
Exercitiu practic: fierbe apa inainte de a adauga pastele

CURS INTENSIV

Din ratiuni de dificultate si de intindere a temelor, cursurile vor avea maxim 8 inscrisi.
Tema 1: Calcatul, acest proces misterios: de la masina de spalat pana la dulap
Tema 2: Riscurile umplerii tavii pentru gheata (demonstratie sustituta de diapozitive)
Tema 3: Tu si electricitatea. Avantajele economice de a angaja personal calificat pentru reparatii (chiar si cele elementare)
Tema 4: Ultima descoperire stiintifica. A gati si a duce gunoiul nu provoaca impotenta si nici tetraplagie. (Practica laborator).
Tema 5: De ce nu este un delict sa-i oferi flori, chiar daca te-ai casatorit cu ea
Tema 6: Sulul de hartie igienica. Hartia igienica nu creste langa veceu. Expozitii cu tema “generatia spontana”
Tema 7: Cum sa coboram capacul de la wc pas cu pas (Teleconferinta cu Universitatea Harvard)
Tema 8: Barbatii la volan. Daca se ratacesc, pot cere informatii fara riscul de a parea impotenti? (Marturisiri)
Tema 9: Masina de spalat, acest mare mister din casa.
Tema 10: Diferente fundamentale: cosul pentru rufe murdare si podeaua (exercitii in laboratoarele cu terapie muzicala)
Tema 11: Barbatul in scaunul pasagerului. Este posibil sa nu vorbeasca sau sa se agite compulsiv in timp ce ea parcheaza?
Tema 12: Ceasca de la micul dejun nu leviteaza singura pana la chiuveta

Curs special pentru femei

Tema: Dezvoltarea functiunilor creierului la femeia moderna.
Scop: Participantele vor fi confruntate cu o experienta fascinanta (folosirea creierului).

Conditii: Vointa de a invata ceva nou (chiar daca se va dovedi a fi ceva greu)

Durata:

• Brunete 1,5 luni fiecare modul
• Roscate 3 luni fiecare modul
• Blonde 6 luni fiecare modul

Cursul contine 4 module:

Modulul I

1. Acceptarea soartei: m-am nascut femeie
2. Cunoasterea locului de desfasurare a vietii: bucataria
3. Cum pastrez ordinea in poseta? (sub control strict)
4. Cum fac cumparaturi in mai putin de 4 ore: notiuni elementare
5. Pastrarea limitelor: Cum ma machiez corect
6. Curs de programare I (toate categoriile): folosirea cuptorului cu microunde
7. Curs de programare II (numai brunetele si roscatele): Videorecorderul

Modulul II

1. Ecuatia cu o necunoscuta: Automobilul
2. Exercitii de dinamica grupului: Ce trebuie sa fac cand stam in masina
3. Parcarea, Partea I: Notiuni elementare
4. Parcarea, Partea II: Manevre
5. O adevarata provocare: Frana si acceleratia.
6. Cutia de viteze. Descriere completa (pentru blonde numai cutia automata)
7. Folosirea corecta a semnalizatorului.
8. Notiuni elementare de fizica: Corpuri in miscare
9. Adevaruri optice: Luminile rosie, galbena si verde ale semaforului.
10. Curs special: Parcarea in garaj.
11. Ecuatia cu mai multe necunoscute: Cutia de scule
12. Curs de supravietuire I: Unde se afla lumina de avarie
13. Curs de supravietuire II: Schimbarea unui cauciuc
14. Curs de supravietuire III: Schimbarea mai multor cauciucuri (Da, este posibil!!)
15. Curs de supravietuire IV: Verificarea cu succes a nivelului uleiului si a apei.

Modulul III

1. Notiuni elementare: Nici o cucerire a tehnicii moderne nu ma va putea ridica la nivelul barbatului
2. Vocabular I: Definitia cuvantului “DA”. Corectarea exercitiului “Esti gata?”
3. Vocabular II: Definitia notiunii “5 Minute”
4. Sociologie: Fotbalul nu este un sport ci o religie.
5. Drept cetatenesc si morala I: Discutiile barbatilor despre tema fotbal
6. Drept cetatenesc si morala II: A nu te amesteca nicicodata in aceste discutii
7. Cum evit intrebarile inutile (de ex. “Ma iubesti?”, “Sunt frumoasa?”, “Am ceva special?”)
8. Adevaruri zilnice: Si femeile ragaie, exercitii in grup.
9. Adevaruri zilnice: Barbieritul (curs intensiv pentru brunete): Partea barbateasca a femeii
10. Comportamentul la cumparaturi: Cardul Visa, Definirea notiunii de limita de suma
11. Comportamentul la cumparaturi: Si eu pot cara naveta de bere
12. De ce mama nu e binevenita la noi? (1000 de studii de caz)

Modulul IV

1. Telefonul: Cand trebuie sa inchid? Exercitii de grup: 4 femei/telefon (nu uitati sacul de dormit)
2. Machiajul: Metamorfoza femeii
3. Terapie TV I: Si fara telenovele se poate trai!
4. Terapie TV II: Filmele de dragoste sunt pura fictiune si nu realitate
5. Eu si corpul meu: Legea gravitatiei
6. Oglinzile nu mint: Ma accept asa cum sunt.

Cum naiba ii angajeaza cineva? Nu au nici o calitate  dintre cele pe care trebuie sa le aiba un adevarat badigard. Probabil doar stagiul militar satisfacut. Deh , e barbat.  :grin:

Mai greu e cu nimeritu’. Acum , la jumatea meciurilor , conduce un coleg cu 4 pcte iar io si inca 3 colegi pe locul 2 cu 3 pcte.

Estimez ca se ca cistiga cu maxim 9-10 pcte.

Later edit :  A cistigat o fata (dintre cele 2 participante). Cu 7 puncte.